Thursday, April 19, 2012

Overwrought or Overthought?

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and not coming to any conclusions. If I wanna sail away why don’t I? Because I need the money to make it work. So here I sit making the money I need and asking these questions.

It’s not really that difficult when you remove the influence of another person, lover, wife, significant other because they clog up the works on what you actually want to do.  

And then remove the desire to excel at a profession.  The tech writing is a means to an end.

The music on the other hand is still my first love. But that may be changing with the lack of success with the band.

I have enough going on that I can’t focus too clearly on any one thing. That is a problem. I really have to get a grip on what is important. I see Terry and Buddy and Tom and Jeff and Sam and I wonder when the bottom will fall out for me. That only increases the stress and pressure to move in the direction that I choose.

Getting the boat ready and leaving is only a part of what I want to accomplish in the next 20 years. Writing and recording that CD is still on the list. Writing fiction is another. I don’t feel I have the life experience that some of these guys I know have. Sure, I have some of my own but I don’t see it. I need to have a mirror to reflect back on me to see what they are.  Hence, the blog.

That is separate from the health issue that I see with the fellows I’ve mentioned above. I see my plan coming together in the next few months for downsizing and living more cheaply. Until then, it’s hold and wait. So while I’m waiting I need to plan for the eventuality of the goals being met.

For the short term – I’ll finish training and doing the MS150; spend a few bucks to get the solar panel  system installed; clean the fuel tank and get the engine running again; re-wire the 120V circuit; get the taxes done; passport.

For the mid term – get the 401k stuff transferred and set up the contribution amount; maybe sell the Miata; make the wood repairs to the sailboat; (cut vents in the hanging locker, replace the bottoms of the storage areas, vent the head medicine cabinet, build the companion way boards, install the composting head and remove the blackwater tank and pumpout port; close off the required thru hulls; curtains; galley cooking arrangement).

For the long term – get the fiberglass repaired and painted; step the mast and update the running rigging; replace the engine; finish getting rid of the excess stuff in storage.

Some form of personal relationship? I have an opportunity with a woman that’s interested in me but there’s much to consider. Do I want to make the room in the plan for her? That would require compromises I’m not certain I want to make. The conversation illustrates to me how alone I am and I’d like to have someone to share stuff with. I’d be a lucky guy to capture her attention and time. Right now it’s all up in the air. Isn’t it always? I’ve learned enough now to know that none of that stuff is permanent.  Circumstances change and so do people. A solid intimate relationship today can turn into a nasty separation later. I guess that’s the price to pay. Nothing is forever.

That helps. Looking at it on the screen makes it easier to organize what needs to be done. I’m told I overthink stuff but I don’t see that as a bad thing.  I have to line up the ducks to get the most out of the limited funds and time I have.

I’m giving this new gig 24 months. On one hand because I just don’t wanna to office work no more and on the other because my plan calls for having the boat ready by the time I turn 55. Scary, it’s not that far off. 26 months. But who’s counting? I hope to go cruising for 12 to 18 months and then come home. If it goes longer than that that’s okay too. Shoot. If I never come back and spend the rest of my days lazing around the world in the boat then so be it. Otherwise I’ll come back and re-evaluate and perhaps go back to tech writing.

I’d prefer not to do that but it’s lucrative and I have the contacts. We’ll see. I’m betting on living off of the music and photography and the occasional girlfriend. What else is there? I’ve learned that everything is short term. Marriage, work, health, life in general. I no longer see the point of dedicating myself to something only to lose it in the long run. Getting by on less and enjoying people and places makes more sense now than it ever has before. I expect I’ll live a longer, healthier life by leaving my present world behind.

When I look at things in this new light I have a harder time getting upset about things. Other than being stuck until I can make it happen, that is.